Matthew Cash
Monday, 9 October 2023
WatchCrime
Friday, 29 October 2021
The Glut
Friday, 14 February 2020
Krackerjack & the showbiz career of Diddy Dave Diamond
Thursday, 13 February 2020
Pinprick
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Words From Inside My Head
So I've decided to open up the blog to the world 🌍
There will be, no doubt, a hefty old bag of bollocks on here from days long gone, snippets of ancient unfinished works, maybe even thoughts on becoming a father for the first time.
I may or may not add stuff to this regularly, but as I use this app all the time for writing (obviously leaving all the good stuff unpublished) I may update it more than I think.
Today I have been shopping amongst the citizens of this fair town, eaten my body weight in bakery produce and even written a scene for my FUR story.
I don't know what to make of FUR at the moment, my wonderful Editor likes it, says my writing has grown up a lot, (it hasn't, it's just not my usual bums and tits, dicks and clits malarkey- it isn't necessary for this particular story) I don't know whether this will be a novel, novella or used purely for toilet paper, the story has a lot to say and I am merely the catalyst to convert it to paper... Like always I'm just going to write what comes from my mind and see what unfolds.
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
Zeebeebies part 8
The first blow caught Sonny Tumble in the centre of his forehead. He growled and spat another mouthful of Grandad's duffel coat out. It was enough of a distraction for Grandad to slip out of Sonny's grasp. Cowering behind his grandson he said, “go on the boy,hit him harder!"
Mr Tumble swung the conker round above his head like a slingshot,his tongue sticking oit the side of his mouth comically. “uh oh."
“what's wrong Mr Tumble?" Anna asked as Mr Tumble looked sad.
“ive lost the conker." he held the string up and pulled a sad face.
Grandad was already slowly running towards his garden shed on the spotty lawn. He moved surprisingly swiftly for a pensioner,leaping over a folded garden chair and shutting himself in the little wooden hut.
Mr Tumble screamed high pitched as Sonny snapped his teeth at him and ran to join his grandad in the shed.
The door wouldn't open,Grandad had locked it. Mr Tumble knocked repeatedly on the door crying loudly. “Grandad Grandad let me in!"
Sonny staggered across the lawn, fingers clawing at Mr Tumble prematurely as if he had no perception of distance.
;“ Mr Tumble Mr Tumble!" shouted Anna, “You have to do something."
Mr Tumble eyed the salivating hungry snapping teeth of Sonny Tumble and picked up the only thing to hand,the collapsible garden chair.
“Now's not the time for sitting down Mr Tumble!" Anna shrieked as Sonny got closer and closer.
Mr Tumble rolled his eyes and tutted. He shoved the folded chair's wooden stand towards Sonny's face and laughed as Sonny clamped his teeth down. For a few seconds Sonny seemed confused and then outraged when he realised he couldn't get his teeth out of the chair. He thrashed himself around furiously trying to pull the chair out of his mouth almost knocking Mr Tumble over in the process.
As Sonny stumbled past Mr Tumble he booted him in the backside and waved as Sonny wandered towards the edge of the garden. Beside the garden was a lake and as Sonny reached the bank he fell,dislodged the chair and went headfirst into the water.
Mr Tumble cheered, “woo hoo!"
“mr Tumble," Anna said as the sound of splashing ceased and growling commenced. “Sonny's back."
Soaked through,green with algae,missing his two front teeth,Sonny looked angrier than ever and started towards the meat he craved. Mr Tumble screamed and was about to bang on the shed door when from out of the shed came the sound of a motor starting up.
Mr Tumble frowned, “What's that noise?"
“its Grandad Tumble," said Anna gleefully, “he's got a chainsaw and his going to make Zombie Tumble dead."
“Stand back!" shouted a voice from the shed and Mr Tumble leapt out of the way as Grandad Tumble kicked the door open revving the motor of the thing in his hands. It wasn't a chainsaw,it was a leaf blower. He thrust the cylindrical blower forwards towards Sonny and shouted to his grandson “Get to the boat."
Mr Tumble sidestepped Sonny as Grandad shoved the blower into his face,and ran to the water's edge to the little row boat that floated there.
As the air rushed into Sonny's face his stomach began to balloon lie something out of a cartoon,the buttons on his shirt pinged off in every direction as his belly extended. Grandad pushed him towards the boat and called to his grandson. “Use the oars,the boy,the oars!"
Mr Tumble thrust the oars into the river and started to row frantically away.
“no,I meant to hit him with!" Grandad shouted as Sonny snatched the leaf blower off him and threw it away with inhuman strength. Grandad kicked Sonny's bloated belly and ignoring the massive fart that erupted out of him,ran towards the water. Luckily for Grandad Mr Tumble wasn't as mature,and upon hearing the fantastical flatulence was rolling on his back laughing. Grandad dived headfirst into the boat. By the time Mr Tumble had recovered from the fart noise Grandad was rowing as fast ss he could muttering something about rowing for Cambridge.
Sonny paid no attention to the water and just stepped into the water and vanished. A few bubbles popped up to the surface and then nothing. The two Tumbles in the boat hugged each other and cheered triumphantly.
“ well done Grandad Tumble and Mr Tumble." Anna said but not in a congratulatory manner.
“what's wrong?" asked Mr Tumble worriedly.
Anna was silent for a few moments. “Mr Tumble Sonny's in the water."
Mr Tumble laughed and made a pop pop goldfish face. “yes,I know."
“The water is a reservoir Mr Tumble." Anna said calmly.
Realisation dawned on Grandad's face but Mr Tumble just shrugged.
The reservoir provided drinking water for the whole of CBeebiesland!
Sunday, 26 August 2012
ZeeBeeBees 7
Sonny Tumble clutched his stomach and spat out his lollipop in Grandad Tumble's proffered hankie.
''This is how it begins!'' Anna warned.
Sonny was looking extremely peaky. Mr Tumble picked up the massive conker Sonny had dropped and started swinging it round by it's string,completely oblivious to Sonny.
Sonny didn't feel very well at all. ''i feel poorly'' he said pouting.
Grandad Tumble gently tugged at Mr Tumble's shirt sleeve and pulled him into the hallway. Together they watched as Sonny bent double and clutched his stomach.
''Come on The Boy,'' Grandad whispered to the conker-twirling Mr Tumble,''let's get out of here.''
''WAIT!'' Demanded Anna. ''you can't leave him,he may spread the infection!''
''urgh!'' said Mr Tumble pulling a disgusted face.''well what do we do?''
Sonny collapsed to the floor face down and started shaking violently before making a sickly choking noise and finally becoming still.
''You must either seperate his brain stem from his body or destroy his brain.'' Anna instructed.
Grandad gasped in horror.
Mr Tumble screwed his face up, ''destroy his brain?''
''Yes Mr Tumble,destroy his brain.'' Anna confirmed.
'Go on The Boy,break his head.'' Grandad patted Mr Tumble on the shoulder and gently shoved him towards the two corpses on the floor.
For a few moments Mr Tumble stood rooted to the spot unsure what to do,then Sonny slowly began to get up. Mr Tumble squealed and ran back to Grandad Tumble. They trembled with terror and hid their faces in their hands.
Sonny Tumble turned in jolts and starts like something from a video played on a slow computer. As he faced them they noticed a dramatic transformation had taken place. Sonny's eyes were totally red and he snapped his mouth open and growled like an angry dog.
Grandad screamed and ran as fast as his old legs could carry him,Mr Tumble follwed suit.
''Wait!'' Screamed Anna as the Tumbles bolted for the front door and were busy fighting to get out. Grandad pointed over Mr Tumble's shoulder, ''look,there's Cliff Tumble!''
Mr Tumble momentarily forgot the danger he was in and turned to look for his favourite singer with a beaming grin, ''Where?''
Taking this opportunity Grandad fumbled at the latch on the front door.
Sonny staggered up the hallway snarling and dribbling dark red blood from his mouth.
''Eyyy!'' Yelled Mr Tumble when he realised Grandad had duped him and yanked Grandad's flatcap down over his eyes and grabbed the waistband of Grandad's long-johns. Mr Tumble pulled upwards and gave Grandad a wedgie that almost drew blood.
Mr Tumble was out of the door before Grandad knew what had happened and raced down the path and into the garden.
Grandad screamed when he felt his duffel coat snagged in Sonny's fingers. ''Help me!''
Mr Tumble stopped running and turned back to Grandad.
Sonny was behind Grandad biting his shoulder. Sonny spat out a chunk of Grandad's coat and lunged for him again.
Mr Tumble had to do something.
''Do something Mr Tumble! You MUST help Grandad Tumble!'' Ordered Anna hysterically inside his head.
Mr Tumble thought about what Anna and Grandad had said, ''Destroy his brain. Break his head!''
Mr Tumble closed his eyes and imagined he was his favourite wrestler Rumble Tumble. He rolled his shirt sleeves up and noticed he still had Sonny's conker in his hand. It really was a big one.
''Ah ha!'' Said Mr Tumble and pointed a finger in the idea as the imaginary lightbulb of an idea flashed above his head. Swinging the conker on it's string like a slingshot he ran towards Grandad and Sonny shouting the war cry, ''Anyone for conkers?!''