Sunday, 26 August 2012

ZeeBeeBees 7

Sonny Tumble clutched his stomach and spat out his lollipop in Grandad Tumble's proffered hankie.
''This is how it begins!'' Anna warned.
Sonny was looking extremely peaky. Mr Tumble picked up the massive conker Sonny had dropped and started swinging it round by it's string,completely oblivious to Sonny.
Sonny didn't feel very well at all. ''i feel poorly'' he said pouting.
Grandad Tumble gently tugged at Mr Tumble's shirt sleeve and pulled him into the hallway. Together they watched as Sonny bent double and clutched his stomach.
''Come on The Boy,'' Grandad whispered to the conker-twirling Mr Tumble,''let's get out of here.''
''WAIT!'' Demanded Anna. ''you can't leave him,he may spread the infection!''
''urgh!'' said Mr Tumble pulling a disgusted face.''well what do we do?''
Sonny collapsed to the floor face down and started shaking violently before making a sickly choking noise and finally becoming still.
''You must either seperate his brain stem from his body or destroy his brain.'' Anna instructed.
Grandad gasped in horror.
Mr Tumble screwed his face up, ''destroy his brain?''
''Yes Mr Tumble,destroy his brain.'' Anna confirmed.
'Go on The Boy,break his head.'' Grandad patted Mr Tumble on the shoulder and gently shoved him towards the two corpses on the floor.
For a few moments Mr Tumble stood rooted to the spot unsure what to do,then Sonny slowly began to get up. Mr Tumble squealed and ran back to Grandad Tumble. They trembled with terror and hid their faces in their hands.
Sonny Tumble turned in jolts and starts like something from a video played on a slow computer. As he faced them they noticed a dramatic transformation had taken place. Sonny's eyes were totally red and he snapped his mouth open and growled like an angry dog.

Grandad screamed and ran as fast as his old legs could carry him,Mr Tumble follwed suit.
''Wait!'' Screamed Anna as the Tumbles bolted for the front door and were busy fighting to get out. Grandad pointed over Mr Tumble's shoulder, ''look,there's Cliff Tumble!''
Mr Tumble momentarily forgot the danger he was in and turned to look for his favourite singer with a beaming grin, ''Where?''
Taking this opportunity Grandad fumbled at the latch on the front door.
Sonny staggered up the hallway snarling and dribbling dark red blood from his mouth.
''Eyyy!'' Yelled Mr Tumble when he realised Grandad had duped him and yanked Grandad's flatcap down over his eyes and grabbed the waistband of Grandad's long-johns. Mr Tumble pulled upwards and gave Grandad a wedgie that almost drew blood.
Mr Tumble was out of the door before Grandad knew what had happened and raced down the path and into the garden.
Grandad screamed when he felt his duffel coat snagged in Sonny's fingers. ''Help me!''
Mr Tumble stopped running and turned back to Grandad.
Sonny was behind Grandad biting his shoulder. Sonny spat out a chunk of Grandad's coat and lunged for him again.
Mr Tumble had to do something.
''Do something Mr Tumble! You MUST help Grandad Tumble!'' Ordered Anna hysterically inside his head.
Mr Tumble thought about what Anna and Grandad had said, ''Destroy his brain. Break his head!''
Mr Tumble closed his eyes and imagined he was his favourite wrestler Rumble Tumble. He rolled his shirt sleeves up and noticed he still had Sonny's conker in his hand. It really was a big one.
''Ah ha!'' Said Mr Tumble and pointed a finger in the idea as the imaginary lightbulb of an idea flashed above his head. Swinging the conker on it's string like a slingshot he ran towards Grandad and Sonny shouting the war cry, ''Anyone for conkers?!''

Thursday, 23 August 2012

ZeeBeeBees 6

The Voice is acting strange,thought Mr Tumble as his scratched his head. Ever since he had found the poorly man in the 'other' kitchen the Voice,the child's voice that only he could hear,the Voice that gave him all instruction sounded ill. The Voice's name was Anna.
Mr Tumble looked worried and did not know what to do. ''Anna,what should I do?''
He heard someone enter the house and turned to see an elderly man who looked like an older version of Mr Tumble whistling his way up the hallway. He wore a flat cap and a brown duffel coat,it was Grandad Tumble.
Grandad Tumble's jaw fell open in shock and horror at the sight of the dead scientist. ''what have you done The Boy?!''
Mr Tumble started crying,big tears pouring out of his eyes, ''I've not done anything. I found this man and he looks very poorly. Should we call a doctor?''
Grandad looked at the man lying on the floor,an expression of sheer agony on his very dead face. The front of the man's top half was covered with lumpy blood vomit. ''I think it's a bit late for a doctor The Boy!''Grandad scratched his chin and thought long and hard. ''Have you asked Anna?''
''Anna?!''Mr Tumble exclaimed,''You can hear Anna too?!''
''Of course I can silly boy!'' Grandad scolded him before looking towards the ceiling towards an invisible entity. ''Anna?''
At first only silence came from the Voice called Anna but then a soft coughing came into their heads. ''Aaaaaahurgh!''
Mr and Grandad Tumble jumped with fear. ''what on earth's wrong?'' Grandad asked.
''Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiins!'' Screamed Anna in a surprisingly gutteral voice for a little girl.
''Brains?'' Asked Mr Tumble obviously perplexed by the voice in his,and Grandad Tumble's heads.
More coughing and spluttering from Anna.
Turning to Grandad Mr Tumble said, ''do you think Anna needs a doctor too?''
Grandad considered this for a few moments,a look of serious consideration upon his face. ''no,The Boy,we can't get a doctor for a disembodied voice that only a select few of us Tumbles can hear. People wouldn't believe that we weren't clinically insane. They wouldn't believe me when I said that Anna had been in our heads for generations of Tumbles and that without Her guidence and advice us Tumbles would stumble and fall into the depths of the Abyss of madness.''
Mr Tumble started giggling,then held his belly and guffawed loudly.
''What?! What's so funny?!'' Grandad asked with an air of annoyance.
''Tumbles stumble. Stumbles Tumbles. Stumbling Tumbles. That's funny. That made me laugh!'' Mr Tumble laughed some more.
Grandad Tumble was about to slap his grandson round the head when something stopped him mid-whack. Anna spoke again.
''Tumbles,your attention please!'' she sounded back to normal again.
Grandad and Mr Tumble stood bolt upright,Grandad saluted.
''What we have here is a situation. This man is dead!''
''DEAD!'' The Tumbles shouted in unison.
''Dead.'' Anna replied. ''but there is a big big problem.'' She paused. ''This man WAS very ill and he was and still is contagious!''
''Cunt ages?'' Mr Tumble asked frowning. Grandad slapped him round the head,'' contagious,means you could catch something off him!''
''urgh!'' Mr Tumble said taking a step back from the body.
''It's okay,'' Anna reassured them.''This man came from another dimension. In His dimension the infection that he contracted was airborne and  contagious to everyone,but when he came here it mutated.''
Grandad looked concerned,Mr Tumble played with his bow tie.
Anna continued,''Now it will only affect children. I know this because I caught it.''
''You've caught it?! Oh no!'' Cried Grandad Tumble.
''Urgh!'' said Mr Tumble and ducked away for some reason.
''Yes Grandad Tumble. But don't worry. I am a disembodied voice in your heads,it didn't affect me tha same as it would a 'real' child. So we need to dispose of this body before any child comes into contact with it.''
Grandad breathed a sigh of relief. ''well that gives us plenty of time.''
Suddenly the doorbell rang and the front door opened.
Mr Tumble said, ''uh oh.''
Grandad looked at Mr Tumble. Mr Tumble looked at Grandad. Standing between them stood a smaller replica of the too of them,he wore the shorts and a tie shirt and blazer of a school uniform,had a lollipop in one hand and a conker on a piece of string in the other. A brightly coloured badge with '6 today' was fixed to his jacket. It was Sonny Tumble.
''Who the FUCK invited him?!'' screamed Anna.
Mr Tumble started crying.
The little boy Tumble dropped his lollipop on to the vomit on the dead body's chest,picked it up wiped it on his shirt and popped it back in his mouth.
Grandad gulped down some of his own bile that had risen in the back of his throat.
Little boy Tumble waggled his eyebrows at the older two,''Anyone for conkers?''

Sunday, 19 August 2012

ZeeBeeBees 5

Bob must have fallen or passed out or something as one minute he was standing face to face with an actual zombie, then he was face to face with his kitchen floor. Blood splattered on the white tiles before his eyes. Bob's lung's felt heavy and on fire. A nasty hacking cough shook his body and he knew that he had contracted whatever had infected the people where he just was. He pushed himself to his knees and stared at the Coolerwave as if it would solve his problems. Typical,he thought as he struggled to his feet,i create the most amazing thing ever to happen in science history and now i'm going to die.
His vison blurred as he staggered to the kitchen doorway. After taking just one step his legs gave way and he fell onto the threshold of his hallway. Breathing became difficult and his body started shaking. Before his vision went he could see someone looking down at him with messy blonde hair and really crap half arsed clown make-up on. Bob felt as though his insides had liquidized themselves and wanted to vacate his body. Just before Bob's eyes rolled back and burst in his head the clown man smiled a childishly innocent smile at him and raised his hand palm outward to him and to his surprise began to sing.
''Hello hello,how are you?, hello hello,it's good to see you......''

ZeeBeeBees 4

Bob slammed his front door and bolted all the bolts and locked all the locks. Within seconds there was the sound of fingernails scratching the wood. It sounded like the girl had brought some friends too.
Bob ran to the kitchen smacked the switch on the kettle and stood anxiously waiting for it to boil. He keyed in five seconds on the Coolerwave.
All Hell was breaking loose outside of his kitchen window. People were getting ill, collapsing and then attacking other people. He wasn't stupid,he knew perfectly well this was a zombie apocalypse dimension.

The kettle boiled,he poured the water into the microwavable dish,stuck it in the Coolerwave,shut the door and pressed 'ten seconds. Start.'
'What? Shit!' He cursed realising he had already pressed five previously.
The 'off' button still didn't work.
His front door smashed inwards and he could hear growling zombies coming towards the kitchen.
Fingers snatching at the kitchen door handle.
Bob held the door shut as best he could but it was too hard.
The door handle was ripped from his hands and he stood face to face with the girl zombie.

ZeeBeeBees 3

Bob was glad that everything seemed normal. Back to his own dimension. Except everyone seemed to be really ill with some kind of flu. As he walked down the street he noticed someone lying in the middle of the road. It looked like a little girl. Rushing to the girl's aid he saw her bucking and braying frothing at the mouth. Her eyes had rolled back into her head and she coughed and spluttered. Bob knelt down beside her and tried to steady her but as soon as he touched her a hot geyser of bloody vomit spewed forth from her mouth and into his face.
Trying his best not to be sick Bob wiped his face on his jacket sleeve and tried to help the girl.
It was too late. The girl lay still,the front of the pink tracksuit she wore red with the stuff she'd brought up.
Bob shouted for help as there were plenty of people about but to his disbelief almost everyone was either in the same predicament as he or the girl.
The girl was dead,he could feel no pulse.
Gasping a little Bob put his hand over his mouth,although he knew whatever this was it was probably too late for him to avoid it.
As he stood up and turned to walk back towards his home he heard the girl get up. Oh thank god,he thought,i was wrong.
Bob realised that he must have been in the wrong dimension still when he turned and saw the girl snarling her teeth at him. Her eyes were completely red with blood and she did not look alive.
Bob did not stop to ask her how she felt,he turned and ran as fast as he could towards his house.
He'd need to set the Coolerwave properly next time.

ZeeBeeBees 2

Grandad Tumble sat reading his newspaper in front of his shed on his garden chair. It was a beautiful sunny day. ''aaah'',he said as he wriggled around and got comfortable and began to read the article about his favourite singer Cliff Tumble. He peered over his glasses and said to no one in particular, ''i wonder what the Boy is up to.''

The Boy,Mr Tumble was setting a red and white checked cloth on the grass. Seated around the cloth were his toys. Mr Tumble loves his toys.
''i love my toys!'' said Mr Tumble and he pressed his red-painted nose and made a hooter sound effect.
He had a teddy bear called Teddy Tumble.
''This is Teddy Tumble.'' He said talking to some invisible being that no one else could see that had the voice of a child.
''Yes! Teddy Tumble is going to have a picnic!'' He said waving his hands around in some weird gesture.
''are you going to wash your hands Mr Tumble? Why don't you use the wet wipes?'' Came the voice only he could hear.
Mr Tumble with a look of confusion said,''wait. Wash my hands? Use these wipes? Thank you!''
Suddenly there was a great big loud crash coming from Mr Tumble's house.
''What on Earth was that Mr Tumble?!'' The Voice asked wavering with concern.
Mr Tumble frowned and looked worried, ''I don't know!''
''Maybe you should go and have a look then Mr Tumble'' Instructed the Voice.
''Have a look? Yes,okay.'' Mr Tumble sprang up and immediatly tripped over his feet and landed smack bang in the picnic basket.
''Oh Mr Tumble,you are silly!'' Said the Voice greatly amused.
Mr Tumble wiped cream from the strategically place trifle off his face and ran across the spotty grass to the house.

As soon as he opened the back door he was greeted with the sight of a chunky blonde baby faced man with spots on his cheeks and a red nose. He had yellow stripey clown trousers on above red boots and wore a spotty waistcoat and blue bow tie. Mr Tumble recoiled in fright.
''Oh Mr Tumble!'' Said the Voice,''It's your reflection!''
Mr Tumble looked embarrassed,''my reflection. Haha''
After dancing in front of the hallway mirror for longer than was necessary the Voice reminded him of the great big loud crash they had heard from outside. Mr Tumble went to investigate....

ZeeBeeBees 1

Bob peered over the top of the table. Nothing had happened. No explosion or anything. He lept up and opened the Coolerwave's door and touched the dish of water. Reluctantly he dipped his little finger in the water. It was cold! He had succeeded!
He danced a merry jig around the kitchen and for improvisation grabbed two empty supermarket brand instant noodle pots and held them against his head like horns. He thrust his crotch and sung 'oh yeah!' repeatedly like some horny devil. He was mid-thrust when he froze as he eye caught the view from his kitchen window. Dropping the pots he ran to look through the glass.
Normally his view would be overlooking a beautiful green park,with wood and iron benches and a little summerhouse and a band stand,all of which had been defiled by hooligans. Now his view was exactly the same but upside down.
Bob stared in disbelief and opened the window.
As soon as he stuck his head out of the window he felt the gravitational pull of this upside down world pull his head upwards.
To confirm this he threw one of the noodle pots out of the window and watched it fall up.
He closed the window and walked to the kitchen door,opened it and nearly fell to his death upwards on to a collosal motorway with hundreds of cars zooming past. Bob clung to the door handle and frame and pulled himself back into his kitchen.

Bob sat on his stool and thought long and hard. If just his kitchen was normal then whatever had happened had happened to the whole room obviously. He looked at the Coolerwave and smiled. Instead of wasting hours pondering on what the hell had happened Bob went with his most logical thought. He had unwittingly invented some kind of transdimensional transporting device.
Bob placed the dish back in the Coolerwave and set it for ten seconds and pressed start.
Nothing happened. No Ping!
Of course,he thought slapping a hand against his forehead,i haven't boiled the water.
After doing so he tried again but  he altered the duration to five seconds so he wouldn't have to wait so long.
He rushed to the window and was pleased to see everything looked normal.
He was also relieved to see the rest of his house when he opened the kitchen door.
Bob walked to leave his house,he needed some fresh air,time to think of the possibilities of what he had created. Plus he had a right headache coming on. Probably all this dimension-hopping, he thought and coughed a little. In fact almost everyone he passed had some kind of irritable cough. Great,thought Bob,
I come back from another dimension just in time for flu season.

ZeeBeeBees prologue

Bob Smith was suffering. Bob Smith was depressed. Bob Smith was a failure.
Bob Smith was a Scientist.
After the success of an American Sitcom about a group of nerdy young scientists everyone was showing more interest lately in his ex-colleagues but not him.
He didn't look like a scientist,that was the problem. He wasn't tall or skinny and just wasn't nerdy enough. He didn't wear scientisty clothes. Hell he didn't even talk like a scientist.

Bob Smith scratched his shaven head and used the soldering iron he had in his hand to fuse a very unimportant piece of technical shit to the object in front of him.
The object was once a standard microwave but now housed innards of Bob's tinkering and a big cylinder of liquid nitrogen attached to the back.
Bob's invention was a reverse microwave. Something that cooled things rapidly rather than heated. He double checked everything was in place and inserted the Coolerwave's plug into the socket on his work bench.
He held his breath and switched the power switch on the plug socket. Pushing the stool he sat on back he poured boiling water from a kettle that had just boiled into a microwavable dish.
On the Coolerwave's digital fascia he keyed in ten seconds for the duration of cooling. His fingered hovered over the 'Start' button. He looked around his crappy little kitchen as if for the last time expecting his failure as a scientist to somehow backfire,fuck up and cover him with liquid nitrogen and freeze him.
He pressed 'start'.

Bob sighed with relief when he saw the bowl of boiling water turn slowly on the Coolerwave's carousel and watched excitedly as the seconds counted down.
Something was happening. As he wanted the Coolerwave was filling with the liquid nitrogen but there was electrical crackles like minute lightening zapping the dish.
It was now he noticed the 'off' button didn't work.
Bob ducked below the table with his hands over his head and waited for the enevitable Ping!

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Bluebirds part 13

Okay I was starting to take this shit more seriously now after watching an honest news report mid-afternoon after Avril had left me to my ponderings. According to the report the entire island containing England, Wales and Scotland had vanished! All the little islands off Scotland and such where still there. Like a turd flushed down the toilet the main chunk had gone just leaving the freckles of annoying shite splattered on the bowl.
Scientists so far can not explain a thing,there isn't even a theory,no even one of those awesome David Icke paranoid insane ones! There was no witnesses to the island's vanishing and no seismic activity recorded. One second it was there,the next gone!
My parents.
My home.
My town.
My country.
My ex-girlfriends, yay!
No explanation. No underwater space Nazi cavemen alien zombies attacking everyone. No nothing. Zilch.
Did this mean I could max my credit cards and not have to consider the outcome?
I needed to see this for myself. I gestured for Pierre the taxi driver, Aurora the hot receptionist, and Avril the ageing German prostitute,who had come back to interrupt my ponderings, to join me as I thought we'd make an interesting mishap zany group for a misadventure such as this.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Bluebirds part 11

I think i'd taken tea for far too long as Avril appeared before me looking as undesirable as a pork sandwich at a synagogue. She slumped down beside me and sighed.
I paid her her wages and she bought me a refill for my tea.
After taking a sip of the blackest coffee I had ever seen she said, ''have they said further news on England?''
I did one of those snorty laughs that people do when they witness something that incredibly surreal they refuse to believe it.'' yeah,apparently it's,England that is,has vanished!''
Avril didn't appeared shocked at all just nodded her head sombrely. ''my suspicions were correct.''
What suspicions, I thought, so I asked her aloud.
''i have,'' Avril gazed into my eyes seriously,'' noticed signs.omens if you will of impending doom. It's all around us. Something is happening to our world.''
''Nah it's probably something completely rational no doubt.'' I said trying not to laugh at her armageddon paranoia.''there are no signs. I would've noticed surely?''
I leant back and accidently bumped the elbow of some twat in a suit knocking his phone out of his hand and onto the floor. As he bent to retrieve it the caller display signalled an incoming phonecall and Michael Stipe sung 'it's the end of the world as we know it'.
A heavyset tattooed freak in a biker jacket bent to pick it up for him, a trifle weird some perfectly healthy guy helping another like that. On his jacket was a old sewn on patch of the Blue Oyster Cult with the Grim Reaper on it,he had scribbled out the 'n't' off 'don't fear the reaper'.
One of the hotel security,a burly man, who was walking alone whistling 'bad moon rising' took the tattooed guy by the arm and made him give the business man his wallet back.
See? I'm really observant me,i would have seen the signs Avril mentioned.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Bluebirds part 10

Vanished? What a load of poppycock,i thought and went through to the bar area to grab myself a cup of tea. Avril could wait a minute.
Tea in hand I sat on one of the chairs opposite a tiny plasma tv and was shocked at what I saw on the news. People were virtually rioting at Calais Docks,the Army where there helping the Police for God sake! What did these people honestly think they could do? Hijack a P&O fucking ferry and sail it themselves??! The most nautical experience any of the overweight porkers and tourists on the screens probably had was using a Pedalo at Butlins when they were a fat porky teenager! What disturbed me furthermore was the headline that ran across the bottom of the screen in French and,thoughtfully,in English. ''ENGLAND IS IN QUARRANTINE!''
Fuck! The first thing that sprung to mind was some kind of plague,no we don't use that word any more do we,too medieval. Some kind of virus,like in 28 Days Later. I looked down into the milky beige depths of my tea and thought two things; what the hell was going on in England? And, i've put too much bloody milk in this!